ACCOUNTABILITY

Holding myself accountable for my own actions and for my life is not an easy task for me at this point of my life. A part of me would like to “throw in the towel,” sit back and just allow life to happen. Prior to his coming to the U.S., I had made arrangements with Luther that we would go skydiving. I was seriously thinking of backing out when, about a week before he arrived, Panache Desai spoke about the necessity of challenging ourselves and creating new pathways for the future. It is essential to move beyond our preconceived notions of ourselves and to accept parts of ourselves, which we did not previously do, and to accept responsibility for who we have become and who we are becoming. This means that If I want a future of peace, of love, of compassion – it starts with me now and who I accept responsibility for being.

I am not a victim waiting to be victimized. I am not a survivor in recovery from who I was. I am a being who has a past that I have embraced with love and compassion, one that I have moved on from, and I am a divine being having a human experience, appreciating every minute of this experience.

After these thoughts, I realized Luther was arriving for a reason, and he was staying a month because I had willed it into being. I needed to be held accountable to myself, and he is one of the few people I am willing to hear and receive lessons from. I, like so many others, am much better telling people what to do than receiving their messages for me. 

Not so long ago, I had decided to permit age to seep in and to allow my 79 years of existence to take me into elderhood and beyond. I could release life and move beyond this dimension. Enter Panache, who creates a sense in me of the beauty of the Divine being human, of appreciating this body as it penetrates life. I can hear, I can feel, I can smell, I can sense everything and everyone here. This life brings distinctive features no other dimension holds. I can taste cherries in their sweetness and savor the depth of their color. I can look at the sky and see the energy forming into clouds and feel the way Mother Earth and the Sun make love to each other and bring forth life upon this planet. On this trip we saw whales, and I can see and feel the pure joy with which they slap their tails upon the ocean’s surface and move through the water. So somehow, without warning, I went from being a passive participant in life to becoming active — I decided I would skydive. Also during the 5 weeks my son was here, I would become more physically active and involved in my own life. I wanted to see where it would lead.

So here I am. Panache spoke about holding ourselves accountable for our being. He spoke of acting as if we were always being watched, which we are, as our soul is a watcher, always watching. And I realize my son is always watching. He is a watcher – always watching life, always watching others, and he watches me. I fitness-trained with him many years ago, which is how we met. So here he is watching me, and it is not judgmental but it makes me increasingly aware of myself, of how I move, and how I use my body. I become more aware of what I eat. I also become more aware of my part in life.

Two years ago, I started a keto diet, and it worked wonders for me. It dropped my blood sugars to within normal range and I lost 60 pounds. I recently allowed it to slip away and was pretending it was having no effect on blood sugars. I figured at my age it did not make a

difference. The side effects from the medication were doing more damage than the diabetes, and I was tired of always watching the numbers. However, I have not kept up my part of the bargain with my doctor, which was to be mindful of what I ate. I need to limit carbohydrates and eat no sugar. I was great for the first year and then have gradually become less cautious. I have been lax with my doctor and he has been infinitely patient, trying hard to use logic when I have found it difficult to give up old patterns of behavior.

“Commitment, consistency, and repetition” are the watchwords of an old friend. Yep, that works and it is needed. So I find myself in a unique position as an old, old person (to quote a term my son once used to describe people my age), of reframing and reidentifying who I am at 79. I set the stage for the future me, at a time when most humans my age are preparing for transition to other dimensions. I am looking at reforming my life and attitude here and truly living in the knowledge that I am a manifestation of light, realizing itself in entirety and recognizing I am here, at this time, to assist the evolution of humanity beyond war. I move beyond myself and recognize that, as I treat myself, I allow others to further understand and appreciate their own unique individuation of Divinity.