Ask Dr. Anna K

unasked for advice for those who love children

I have been thinking so much about children, especially in light of the wars taking place around the world. Because I am of Lebanese origin, I am often asked what my vies are on the current situation in Gaza. Surely, I have a side. To say I truly do not would be false but after caeful reflection, I realize my side is the side of the children, or anything else that regardless of nationality, color of skin, language spoken or anything else that comes with childhood.

Childhood should be and must be, if they are to grow into healthy adulthood, a time of play, a time of exploration, a time of living in imagination and realization of their limitless potential and the true realization of their infinite nature. It is nearly impossible to do this in the midst of war and conflict. It does not matter if this conflict happens within the home or within the country. It does not matter if it is Gaza, Israel, Ukraine, Russia, Sudan, or any other country I may have not listed. When a child is placed in this situation, s/he is thrown into survival mode and this means they feel threatened and this becomes all that can be thought about.

Survival mode definitely has its use but not as a continuous diet. It creates trauma that is not easily overcome. Ask any war veteran who has experienced exactly what it means to be in the midst of a war. Ask any adult who has experienced exactly what it means to survive an abusive childhood. How do I know? I know as I am one of these children. No, I did not serve in the armed services, but I lived in Chad, Africa when we were attacked. I sat in a room with others listening to bombs overhead and I learned to distinguish the difference between an automatic weapon made in China, in Russia, and in the United Stated. All were available. I also could distinguish the difference between planes that carried people as opposed to bombs… a skill I never thought I would need.

I sat in this room with others, and I watched the ceiling crack as an rocket propelled grenade (RPG) hit the roof and as a tank, known as Big Bertha, went off about 100 feet from us on the road outside the house and knocked me off my feet. I watched a grown man cry and hide under the bed. I also lived in Rwanda where I met and lived and loved individuals who had survived the genocide, who spoke of what it was like to hear relatives being murdered and not be able to do anything about it. Does this stay with you — it more than stays with you — it becomes your living nightmare —- even when you are safe you wonder when it will happen again.

If you live in an abusive home it becomes worse. A child believes itself to be omnipotent and it believes itself to be the cause of everything that happens. It blames itself for what happens, and it learns to see its precious self as the cause of everything that is wrong and in a child’s world, this means everything. It learns that it can do nothing right and it learns it is a failure. And for some, this feeling is never resolved. A child grows to an angry adult who has a child who becomes the object the cause and the object of his/her self-hatred. Just imagine a world where this never happened, where a child is born in love and raised with love — allowed to be exactly who she or he chooses to be —- and there were no labels —- no autistic child, no ADHD child, no ODD child —— there was only one label LOVED child. What would this look like???