Ask Dr. Anna K
unasked for parenting advice for those who love --- celebrate the fullness of who we are as children, as adults
Some time ago I met a mother who became pregnant while she was still using drugs. Her reaction was to quit immediately, but by then, the baby had been subjected to a couple months of exposure to hallucinogenic drugs. When the baby was born, he was healthy and appeared to have had no effects. As the child grew, differences were noted.
He was one of the most amazing children I have had the privilege to meet. His mother was totally devoted to him. Most interestingly, she did not make any excuses for her drug use. She was completely open about it, and she accepted full responsibility. She had come from a difficult background and survived difficult relationships but never used these as reasons. She said “Yes, I did this. And now what can I do to help my child?"
Her son was completely hyperactive, but rather than drugging him, as had been suggested, she completely accepted him as he was, and worked with him. This boy was in constant motion, and he was a climber. At about 4 years of age he was climbing not only the desks but the bookcases and any other place he could reach. He would leap from desk to floor and then back again without a pause. His calculations of distances were instantaneous and accurate, and he showed no fear, no hesitation and only paused to survey the room for more movement. He was curious and, most importantly, very loving and responsive to his mother.
She allowed him to move as needed, and every so often he returned to her for a hug, gentle interactions -- and off he would go. His mother never raised her voice but allowed him to explore and move as needed. When asked if his climbing scared her, she admitted it did, but he had never fallen and always appeared exceptionally sure of himself. This boy had been released from daycare and mom was not able to find a place for him because he was too active and could not sit at a desk and color. He did not comply, nor could he comply with the schools’ need for order and discipline. I find it of interest how intolerant schools are of children who are neurodivergent, but that is an article for another time.
What interested me most about this parent was her ability to accept full responsibility for herself. She admitted her mistakes and then moved forward, realizing her son was of utmost importance. She worked with how she could make the best life possible for him and, as a single mother at poverty level, figure out how she was going to work full time and raise her son. NO excuses, no victimhood. She only spoke of her deep love for her son and how she felt his love for her and his need to be allowed to be himself. She welcomed that and absolutely loved him just as he was, without conditions.
What so impressed me about this mother was that she followed her instincts. She did not waste her time with her son, blaming herself and beating herself for what happened. She accepted her mistake and then decided to move forward, embracing the future, and embracing her son. She did not project her mistakes onto her son. However, her experience taught her to make sure her son was not given medication but accepted him as he was and allowed him to be himself. As I watched her interact with her son, I thought and admired her. I wished I could clone her – what an incredible mother.