Be the Parent you wish you had.....
unasked for parenting advice for those who love
ALL BEHAVIOR IS COMMUNICATION
We like to believe language is our major form of communication, when it is not. Even when we speak, we speak with inflection and often react more to the tone of a voice than we do to the words. Even if we are not aware of it, we watch the behavior of the person with whom we are speaking and may react more to feelings, nonverbal behavior and other indications of what the person is saying rather than the actual dialogue.
Children, and especially infants, are natural-born and incredible empaths. They do not have language interfering with meaning. How often do we think “What did s/he really mean by that?” Or when we are upset and angry by something someone has done, but our verbal reaction is “That’s ok,” when it is not -- our behavior conveys the truth. With children, and especially infants, this reaction is direct and immediate, as words do not interfere.
There was an experiment done by filming a child interacting with its mother. As the mother interacted with the child, her eyes lit up, and she smiled and laughed, becoming more joyful and fully expressing this joy with rapid leg and arm movement. Mom then moved away from the infant, and the baby could no longer see her. The infant’s movement slowed and finally became still; she ceased to smile or make any sounds. Before long, she developed a sad face and began to whimper. The baby was clearly expressing a sense of distress. When the mother returned, this immediately changed into joy. Research has shown that the more a mother interacts with her child, the more vital, the more alive and active they are, and it has an effect on the developing brain of the infant. This sort of stimulation is vital for intellectual and emotional growth.
Many years ago, during WWII, shortly thereafter, there was an experiment completed, which we do not like to speak about. There was an excessive number of war orphans, so an experiment was done to see what the effect would be if children were only provided basic care in an orphanage and were not given any interaction. The children were all raised in foster homes until the age of 6 months, and the development was about what is expected for this age. The children were then divided into two groups and one remained with the foster parents and the other returned to the orphanage.
The foster parent group continued to develop normally, whereas the group in the orphanage did not. Within another 6 months, this group lost the ability to sit up. By age 2, most had not learned to walk, and by 5 years, most had died. This condition was labeled “marasmus,” now called “failure to thrive.”
This experiment is not often referred to today and when searching for it, I found it is defined as “a severe form of malnutrition that occurs when someone doesn’t get enough calories, carbohydrates, fats, protein, vitamins, and minerals.”
Chapin in 1915 noticed infants in institutions such as orphanages died from wasting away, then called marasmus, even when they were fed and changed. Marasmus referred to a wasting from lack of adequate nutrition, not from lack of touch. In 1945, Spitz worked with children in orphanages and recorded his research on film. The film Psychogenic Disease in Infancy (1952) shows the negative effects of emotional and maternal deprivation on attachment. As a young person, during my first job as a recreational aide in a psychiatric institution, I was shown this film… and I never forgot it.
Fortunately, Spitz’s research contributed to major changes in the care of institutionalized infants and children. Researchers have documented that children who do not have ample physical and emotional attention are more apt to have emotional and social problems.
Your child can never have too much touch as an infant. He or she is not going to be spoiled from being held. The infant does not need to cry itself to sleep. Aren't there times when all of us just need to cry, and sometimes without reason? Humans sometimes need a good cry, and doesn’t it feel good if there is a loved one there to hold us as we do?
An infant cannot say “I am lonely, hold me" or "I am afraid – where did the light go?” An infant's only language is to cry, and when we hold this infant and reassure her everything is good and s/he is loved, the Light returns and so does peace.
The moral of this is that your child can never have too much touch as an infant. They are not going to be spoiled from being held. The infant does not need to cry itself to sleep. Think of it this way… are there not times we all have, when we just need to cry, and sometimes without reason. We need a good cry, and doesn’t it feel good if there is a loved one there to hold us as we do……. An infant cannot say “I am lonely, hold me…I am afraid – where did the light go” An infant can only cry and when we hold this infant and reassure her everything is good and s/he is loved, the Light returns and so does peace.