Consistency, Repetition, and Commitment
unasked for advice for those who love....
I recently heard a well respected friend of mine say “ who hasn’t had a child have a meltdown in the middle of the toy aisle in a store.” My answer is no one who understands children, or at least not more than once. Taking a child to a Walmart or Target without proper preparation is rather like hoping a hurricane will not have rain or an even better example, taking me to a store selling all my favorite flavors of ice cream and then saying I can’t have any. As an adult, I may not have a temper tantrum, or at least one any outside of me can see, but you can sure bet I will be raging.
How can any realistically expect a child not to want something after being allowed to look and look at all the wonderful, beautiful toys. The easiest way to handle this is by not bringing a child into this temptation unless you are prepared to buy something. It might be a child’s birthday, and you might say “Today is a special day for you, a birthday, so let us buy you a present. You may choose 2 toys.” Whatever number you pick — stick to it.
In advance, before you leave home, you prepare the child. Today we are going into a store where you will see a lot of toys. But we can not buy one today. Gently ask the child if they know what this means and to repeat it in their own words. DO offer an alternate reward. For example, “since we can not buy you a toy today, you can have an extra 30 minutes of computer time, if everything goes well. This means no crying, screaming, or yelling. Tell me what this means.
In the event you do, cry, scream or start demanding more than was agreed on, this is what will happen.” My suggestion is to be prepared to leave the store immediately, if and when the first signs of a lack of cooperation. Just gently take the child by the hand, or pick them up and leave. It is important to remember these tantrums tend to escalate from sniffles to full blown out tantrums, which are going to gain unnecessary attention and alarm – masked for advice and sometimes the calling of police as your child is being “abused”. Explain clearly to the child what will happen and if the circumstance arises, follow through. NEVER, as a parent, make a promise you do not follow through on.
If you make a commitment, stick to it, repeat, and a child is a fast learner. If the tantrum takes over, then walk away. Generally a child will stop as there is no audience BUT make sure you have the child in your line of sight. When we become upset there is an adrenaline rush that makes us high off our own emotion, and causes a repetition until we wear out. I once saw a young adolescent have a tantrum and manage to put her arms and legs through the box springs on a mattress. She was immune to the pain caused as she put her arms through steel rings. She had to be cut out.
Prior to going to the store, not only explain to your child what is taking place but but both you and your child playact what will happen. Pretend going to the store and pretend shop and having a successful experience and experiencing the reward afterwards. DO this several times. You can have your child play act getting upset because she did not get her way and play act escorting her gently from the store. You can also explain the consequences of this action, such as no ice cream treat. Discuss with the child which felt better and why. Of course, explain at the level a child understands. While it may feel annoying to have to go through this process, the extra time spent explaining will shorten each time but in the long run — clear explanations with clear consequences of actions reap benefits. It is not “bad” behavior, it is behavior that is not acceptable under these circumstances. Remember, always, a child wants to please the parent, and it is this that is important to remember.
DO NOT EVER USE WITHDRAWAL OF LOVE AS A PUNISHMENT. I so often have heard, if you do that mommy/daddy won't love you anymore. Love is not a bartering chip, It is unconditional, Love is unconditional. I can say to a child “I always love you, but right now, your behavior is unacceptable. We do not hit each other in this family. We always treat each other with respect and love. Besides when you hit, it hurts, Tell me why you want to hurt mommy? Did mommy hurt you? If so, tell me how and we will try to correct it.” When withdrawal of love is used as a consequence for BAD behavior, a child becomes confused or even terrified by the threat. How many adults do we all know who end up in abusive relationships who confuse love with punishment and spend our lives trying to figure out how to have the other person love us and never learn to love ourselves.
By the way, younger children may simply require time to collect themselves, to allow themselves to calm down. When we,a s adults, are feeling bad and out of sorts with ourselves, it sometimes feels good to curl in a blanket in a warm bed, with a cup of tea or even a stuffed animal. Ask your child what might feel good to help them calm. SO they need a hug, to sit on your lap, or even to be left alone for a bit. Try and organize ways of helping your child develop calming techniques that can help them throughout their lives. See what works best for your child and organize a space they can use. Teach them to recognize within themselves the need to calm down and encourage the child to use this area whenever it is needed.
Teach the child to breathe whenever s/he is in difficulty. Teach them to stop and take a breath. When we are under stress, feeling anxious in any way, the first thing that stops is our breathing. We literally forget to breathe. To help a child learn to breathe, buy a little pinwheel fan and help them blow it. I don’t suggest balloons when a child is upset as it can be a hazard. BLowing bubbles works and both the pinwheel and bubbles work to calm a child down. After a child has calmed, we can then help them sort out their feelings and express them. Even your children can tell you how they feel by hugging and other nonverbal behaviors. Do not try to discuss anything while a child is upset. The last time someone tried to hold a reasonable discussion when I was angry, frustrated, etc,, did not go well. It is alright for the parent to admit they are upset too and also need to spend time calming. Children need to know their parents have feelings and to see a parent working well with these feelings and also able to always express love for themselves and the child throughout. Let them know regardless of what happens love is always present, even when we are angry.