Encourage Your Self…

Enjoy Being YOU

We live in a world that encourages uniformity and conformity and especially in the development of a human being. There are all types of charts available to tell you if your child is developing “normally” and if s/he is on target for all of the expected “milestones.” Nothing appears to upset a parent more, sometimes to the point of hysteria, as finding their child is not developing as expected and is late talking, walking or interacting socially. Immediately, a diagnosis is sought and a remedy applied.

This is not to say a parent should not seek help if a child is experiencing difficulties, but it is also important to carefully consider alternatives. Not all children develop “normally,” and as a point of reference, many do not develop equally in all departments. Some take longer. The young Einstein did not talk, as he did not think in words but in mathematical concepts. It is adults who demand thinking verbally and engaging in a constant internal conversation with ourselves. Not all children walk at the same time, nor do they draw, and so forth. Children develop at different paces and allowances need to be made for their individuality.

One of my favorite children was a three year old who was highly verbal and also highly interactive with his environment. This child could maneuver every obstacle he encountered with the greatest of ease and with agility and precise, confident movements. His intellectual level at age three was within the high range, but no daycare would keep him because he was unable to sit still, nor could he conform to classroom rules; there was no allowance for difference. 

Children are individuals, and how we see them is a matter of perspective. If I awake each morning and am grateful for the life I am given and the children I work with, it is an entirely different world for me than if I awake cursing the day because I am alive and MUST go to work. How I view life is determined by my perspective on life. Recently, I had a practical experience with this. I awoke in a mood of gratitude. However, as the day progressed, I started to receive calls to determine my eligibility for something. I refused to answer questions and hung up. Not to be deterred, they called back and I refused again. They called again. I refused. I hung up. I yelled. I blocked the number and they dialed back on a different number. I fully realized my reaction to these calls was making me ill. I could feel my stomach burning. This morning, they called and said if I did not want their calls, I should just not answer, at which point I just left the phone on the table and let the fellow talk until he finally gave up. Suddenly, I saw the situation as absurd, and I began to laugh. I realized I was making a problem where one did not exist. The problem was of my own creation.

This happens with children. I see parents who are entranced by their babies. Nothing their baby does is ever wrong, and they are grateful for the child in their lives, and the love between them grows and grows. Then I see others, including myself, who are raised to feel that nothing, absolutely nothing they do is pleasing to their parent. The child is always striving and working to gain love from the parent, and this love never arrives. The child spends a lifetime trying to gain from others – from friends, partners, children – that which they were never given by parents. 

We need to learn to give ourselves this love. Children come into this world delighted by their own love and awe for themselves. They can be delighted for hours, just watching their fingers and hands trace imaginary patterns in the air. They will clap for themselves when they are delighted and will laugh for joy for what appears to be no apparent reason. This is an expression of their own love, their joy in being who they are. It is we adults who demand they depend upon the external world for acceptance and for validation of their very existence. We deny them the joy of their self-expression. Our love for them becomes conditional, and a child learns if s/he is to be loved, they must conform to the standards, the values we hold for them. If they do not, we withhold our love and our acceptance until the child does as s/he is told. Indeed, we do place expectations or structure on children, but our love for a child should never depend upon their compliance.

It means our love for the child is absolutely unconditional. We may not always like what they do (and this is dealt with in a loving, reasonable manner) but we always LOVE them. Our love has no conditions nor expectations, and it is there no matter what – regardless of who they are or who they become. But it also means the child has freedom…freedom to express themselves and to truly know themselves and to hold their own hearts in love and acceptance for who they are, in unconditional self-acceptance. Imagine having that at age five and not having to spend an entire lifetime trying to gain it. What amazing energy, freedom, creative expression this could mean.