Keeping Up With Myself
A Poem by Khalil Gibran
It says the river trembles in fear and then looks at the past. She remembers from where she has come and all the places she has visited, all the memories that she has made.
She wants to go back, being the river she was before she had experienced it all, but she's not the same river she was before. The river has grown - just like we all grow mentally and emotionally a bit more each day - and in order to continue her journey of growth, she has to take the step and plunge into the unknown.
She's afraid of the unknown, of what she can expect from this new stage in life, and she's afraid she's too small to tackle it all and will get overwhelmed by it.
But what she doesn't know is that by taking this next step in life, she will grow and become herself, ’cause she might have started as a raindrop turning into a river, but she is as powerful and amazing as the ocean deep down inside.
I am sitting here on the back deck of a cabin nestled into the hillside in upper New York state. My son and I arrived four days ago, and tomorrow we head for Vermont to see my friends. He loves this area of the U.S.; until now, he has thought of New York as being New York City. This rural place and space has given him a new perspective on Americans. His perspective is constantly changing, and we have many conversations about what he sees and absorbs from each new learning.
It fascinates me to see the changes in my own thinking as I look at the world through his eyes - and through my new ones. We are here exploring an area where my great niece lives and where she is involved in an amazing women’s center for artistic creation. We visited yesterday, and it brought back to me some amazing memories of the late ‘60’s and ‘70’s.
Those were activist times for me. I remember being at the base of the steps of a federal building protesting the VIetnam war. The only person on the steps was a woman carrying a sign declaring “dirty, commie, hippies.” There were probably a few more words in there, but it has been 55 years. I learned from this and moved on. I was beaten and jailed by police for being on the steps of a post office. I was only detained a few hours, but I vividly remember having to use the urinal in front of people, when I had no choice. The experience of being beaten, jailed - and seeing the pure lust and joy in the officer’s eyes as he hit me with a club - was entirely too much for this young woman of 21, who had only begun to realize that the world did not always agree with her preconceptions.
I still tend to have an idealistic view of the world. My brother-in-law once told me that there comes a point in each person’s life when they have to grow up and realize the world is not an idealistic place. He told me I needed to change the way I see things. My sister was in a state of shock, as he never spoke to anyone this way. He was a quiet person who kept his thoughts to himself. He found me an enigma who never seemed to change, and he definitely did not approve of me. He never spoke against me in front of me, but I have come to realize the estrangement with my family is rooted in his comments about me when I was not around. These ideas of who I am were passed onto his children and, in their turn, onto their children. My great niece, with whom I am visiting, was one of the few who still speaks to me. Yet it is all good, as I have learned so very much, and I have learned not to blame myself or anyone else for this circumstance. I have learned I love them all and release them all, through the divine love with which I now embrace all people.
Most importantly, I have become highly aware of what has happened within me to allow and embrace this acceptance of love. Aging presents the most interesting of realizations. I don't move as fast as I used to… and I don’t easily keep up with others. It’s very interesting to accept these limitations of myself. They creep up in ways that take time to integrate. But the advantage of aging is that I feel myself to be softer and more accepting. I can allow others to be as they are, without expectation, without judgment, without need for them to be otherwise.
I think of these things as I travel with my son and am present with my great niece, experiencing the world through their eyes. I am allowing myself to be born into their world, to learn from this experience and to be grateful for what they are showing me and allowing me to accept within myself. Above all, I am allowing and recognizing and accepting their love for me. I see it and recognize their love within me, and this allows my own love for myself to deepen.
As you read this, think of what this can mean for a child. Imagine the effect of totally accepting a child as they are, to relish and accept the love they give us as a reflection of who we are and to love them for showing us how to love and be with ourselves.
As I contemplate this, I am reminded of the adage “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” as quoted from the Bible. However, the rod was never used to beat the sheep, it was used to GUIDE the sheep. The rod was used to gently show them the way…and to allow them to know the path they were taking was safe.