“NO…I said No.. and

you can’t make me

Children are born as Love. Pure, unconditional Love comes from them. No matter how they are treated, they love, until about the age of 2 or 3, when they learn the power of “NO.” Many years ago I heard Milton Erickson (psychiatrist and psychologist) admit he had 6 children because children provided unconditional love and were wonderful. He spoke of the amazing feeling of falling in love with each child and how this feeling lasted until about the age of 2, when the child began to learn independence through the word “No.” He then would have another child in order to again experience this sensation. This was a man who was exceptionally aware of himself, and did not hide his feelings. His insight shows how “No” is a powerful word that tends to trigger us in many ways.

The first time a child refuses to do something, the use of the word “No” is often met with a variety of reactions from “Who do you think you are?” to “Yes, you will!” to, sometimes, a slap on the butt. This time in a child's life has gained the label “the Terrible Twos,” which has now expanded into the Terrible Threes."

This phase of development is rarely seen for what it is. It is a time when a child is first exploring itself as an independent human being. It is experiencing itself as separate and unique, and it is experiencing the power of “No” and the reaction of an adult. It is experiencing control and the ability to apply power in its environment. I do not remember firsthand, but I suspect it brings a feeling of exhilaration, rather like learning to ride a bike or conquer a new task for the first time. It is truly learning a new task when “No” is used. It is cause and effect.

So many parents are threatened by their child's use of "No." The immediate reaction is doing what they experienced from their own parents. This is generally how we react to any new situation, what we learned by watching the adults around us when we were children. When children are young, they are little sponges of learning. Everything is learned by observation and exploring their environment for reactions. 

When first born, a child sees the adult as an extension of itself. Ask any parent about the game a young child plays when it drops something and it is picked up and handed back. The child finds this game amusing and will continue it, usually out-lasting the parent. We realize that, for a child, everything is experimental. It is constantly exploring this new world to see what will happen.

At around the age of 2, it explores the power of the word “No” and first learns control and separation. If a parent/caretaking adult makes it into a game and joins in the fun, it is a whole different experience for the child than when the parent says, “You will do what I say or else!” or some variation on this theme. This exchange often ends in a power struggle between parent and child. As with all power struggles, both sides lose. The child ends up crying, and the parent is frustrated and angry at their own inability to “control” a 2- year-old. AND, another element not often admitted, is that the parent often feels strong dislike or even hatred for the child, which terrifies the parent even further. At these times, parents must remember that their feelings have nothing to do with the child; these feelings are, in truth, directed against themselves. The child is the catalyst to see them.

It is normal to lose one’s temper. It happens to the best of us. However, the mature parent will recognize this as a behavior that they do not want to repeat. They will seek out alternative means of reacting. Perhaps they will ask their spouse, other parents, and if needed, will seek professional assistance.

What is important to remember is that the child is not being malicious or deliberately seeking to irritate the parent. It is a game, rather like the first time a child runs from a parent and the parent chases after them. It is a fun game and the child wants to repeat the experience of the adrenaline rush from running and playing and laughing and interacting with the parent. Oh, and may I add, this involves an incredible amount of the feeling that love brings with it.

Believe it or not, the child’s first experience of “No” is the child’s first exploration into adulthood. A parent will see it again when the child becomes an adolescent and the “No” becomes slamming doors and an unwillingness to talk with the parent about anything except the adolescent equivalent of “No," which is "I hate you.” Communication, which will come later in more depth is started before a child is born, while they are still in utero. It is an ongoing process that develops through trust and mutual respect that will sustain relationships through difficult times…. And difficult times are experienced by the most loving of parents.

Perhaps the best way to think of it is to see this process of childhood as an extended metamorphosis of a butterfly in its cocoon. As the pupa encases itself in a chamber that will allow it to grow into a butterfly, the cocoon is tight, providing structure and light. But it is not too tight, so the developing insect will not strangle and will have room to grow; it cannot be too loose, as it will flail and will not have structure to form. It is truly miraculous how this cocoon is formed with exactly the right pressure. It is the same when the butterfly emerges. It must struggle and break out of its cocoon. 

Experiments have tried easing the process by cutting the cocoon, but the emerging butterfly does not fly. It turns out the butterfly needs to struggle against the walls of the cocoon to develop the blood flow into the wings so the wings develop the needed strength to fly. In a similar way, parents are the structure/cocoon for the developing child/butterfly. This process of children learning to break free of the parent cocoon is first seen around age 2:  the word “No,” the refusal to comply, the test of wills and power. Loving and creative alternative reactions are vital because once turned into a power struggle, everyone loses. And like the emerging butterfly developing strong wings to fly, the goal for the child is to learn trust, love and communication to build the foundation for adulthood.