Still Skydiving

I’m repeatedly told it was incredibly brave to go skydiving. Was it? 

It was a birth, a realization and a celebration of who I have become. Was the act itself born of a need to seize life… to seize the reality of living life and what it means to be human? Or was it more the need to face death through the rush of adrenalin and hyperfocus coming from a strong realization that, although I was 99.9% sure I would survive, there was still a 0.1% chance I would not? Are those reasons actually so different? We face this dual motivation everyday and, as my son pointed out to me, we face this daily in just crossing the street. But somehow, being a pedestrian does not seem to measure up to voluntarily stepping out of a plane at 13,000 feet.

I remember watching the ground move away as we flew higher and higher. At points, I was thinking how far away the ground was from us and, if this was truly an illusion, it was a damn good one. When the door of the plane opened at the required height, the air rushed in, and I was the first one to turn and move my legs out the door to hang partially over the edge. I breathed and then I rolled, yes rolled out of the plane into the most amazing rush of wind. I wanted to capture every moment – to live it to the fullest. I wanted to feel it all – no thoughts, just feeling. 

At any time, I could have said “no” – nope, no, changed my mind – I am not going. While still on the ground, I asked my guide, “Are you going to place a hand firmly in the center of my back and assist me in leaving the plane?” I fully expected this to happen. His surprising response was, “No – you are free to change your mind at any time.” My response? “Uhhhhhhh — hmmmmm.” I was freely choosing. I signed a waiver that I would not sue them in the event I died. Somehow, that simple act of signing a waiver made it real. If I died, I would not sue them…..Ok…works for me. Full responsibility for my own actions. I was accepting full responsibility for what I was about to do. How often does this happen in life?

One of the more amazing reactions for me was during an online immersion the following day. I was participating in a zoom call with my friend Panache Desai, something I have done since the pandemic, when I was attempting to deal with isolation and removal from life. 

Returning to the United States after 21 years abroad had not been an easy decision and had left me in a state of ambiguity and an ever-increasing desire to transition from this reality into anywhere else. My sister had transitioned a few years previously, and she had been my closest friend. My family was estranged from me, and I did not feel welcome to be with any of them. The pandemic came with a growing sense of not wanting to communicate with the outside world. I have had a deepening exploration of my inner self since childhood, and later in this space, I will expand on what this means, as a child and what it meant for my adult self. In a nutshell, it further estranged me from my family and to convince them of my weirdness. 

While surfing the web during the pandemic, I found a YouTube video by Panache. With his meditations and wisdom, I finally found an easy place to be and have been there since, learning how to accept and love myself just as I am and for the uniqueness I am – without apologies.

When he first met me, Panache said I would live to be 120 years. I was aghast and horrified. That became a standing joke ever since, as I evolve into who I am – and as I enjoy and love what I see. Since meeting Panache, I have realized some amazing milestones, including publishing my first book. It is a small step on a longer journey, but I did it, and I am putting myself out there in ways I never thought I could. I lost about 60 lbs, and weight had always been a huge battle for me for many reasons. I was conquering the diabetes that was a genetic gift from my mother’s family, one I am still learning how to love and appreciate…and release. That’s a bit of my history with Panache, so you can appreciate the joy of his reaction. 

I was on the call and asked to speak. He opened the channel and I found myself – calmly – saying, “Panache, just wanted to let you know I jumped out of a plane yesterday.” At first there was stunned silence, and then he made me repeat myself. Then there was hysterical  laughter, on his part (not mine), and then he lost control and ended on the floor rolling in laughter as the full implication of what I said registered. He replied that for the first time he literally had nothing to say. He explained to the other participants that it was necessary to understand that, when he first met me, I had little desire to stay alive. And now, here I was, asking if I really could live to 120 and beyond. Gradually over recent years, the desire to experience life had crept up on me, without me realizing it, until I jumped out of a plane. Falling forward at 120 miles per hour into – nothingness, silence, rushing wind – totally trusting my tandem partner to land us safely. Fully my decision, fully in control, not changing my mind.

I received so many other wonderful reactions from friends and so many wonderful comments from those who heard me on Saturday. Among my favorites was from Al: “You touched the Soul of all of us today.  Your share on today’s call brought Oneness to an Infinite Space. Your contribution today and these [skydiving] pictures COMPLETELY touched a collective Soul. What a beautiful experience and sharing! I will hold it in grand detail forever. So grateful to witness a perfect moment in the Presence of you.”

Panache is not my Guru, nor my teacher. He is my friend, who has allowed me the opening for me to become my own teacher – teaching and learning what it means to be human. I learned that I wanted to feel the grass, smell the flowers, feel the sun, and create my own inner world for others to see (or not, their choice). And I will meander along in my world ever grateful – grateful to my cat for her soft fur, to life for beautiful rain which brings warm, even hot, sun or which calms the heat and humidity. Grateful to life for allowing me to be and grateful to my friend for opening my eyes to again be with what I know so very well. 

It is what we all bring with us as children into this world, and then forget. And then we spend a lifetime trying to invite this Presence back in our world. It is what no child should ever, ever forget – the sacred sense of life and self.