Here I am close to the end of my travel journey with my son. We have only four days remaining of a five week journey together and it has been a most amazing time. I have learned a considerable amount about him but perhaps more so about myself. I started this journey in an attempt to further find the mother within me. Although I have never had children, I have mothered many children and assisted thousands of parents to parent their children in my 79 year journey on this planet. I have a dual role on this planet of both being an “agent of change” and a “mother” figure. Throughout my life I have particularly rebelled against being a mother and have avoided all deep commitment relationships. However, on the other hand I have been deeply committed to children.
This has not been the case with my son. Since I first met him, over fifteen years ago, I have felt a deep connection that moved me in unexpected ways and I found myself vulnerable to him in ways I did not expect. I found as I travelled with him and met old friends, who have sons, that I was able to connect with my female friends in new and unexpected ways. He became a further bond of connection between myself and these friends and that the feelings I was experiencing were not so different from theirs – there was an exceptional commonality between us that brought us even closer together.
But it also brought something else. As I spoke and interacted with him, I realised he worried about me. Now that was an interesting thing to feel as it has been many, many years. I have friends I deeply love and care and worry about, but this was different. It was realising that my limitations as I grow older are of concern to him. He has encouraged, yes, and sometimes harassed, me into taking better care of myself. This is an ongoing struggle with me as I am a strong individual and depend upon my own innate ability to heal myself. This was fine when I was younger. There were points when I had to undertake some drastic measures with myself and truly engage in radical methods to restore health. But, I had reached, or so I thought, a point where I could level off and just let nature take its course and see what happens. But no, through my son, I have been brought face to face with who I am in this physical body at this time. And, I realise I am tired —---
But I also realise as my son has spoken of how in his culture, mothers are revered and cared for by their children. They are brought into the homes of their sons as members of his household. For whatever unexplainable reason, I have and do feel a closeness with his family, although I have only really met his father a few times. I feel a depth of empathy and understanding I cannot put into words. I have a strong memory of his father as I visited my son in prison. I had to greet a line of men, why I do not remember. I was feeling shy and unable to look at the faces and so had my head down trying to become invisible. Suddenly I heard my name and I looked up into the face of Thomas and felt such a depth of love and compassion and recognition and safety. I put my arms around his neck and felt his hug and I did not feel alone. I also feel this with his son and it was one of the feelings, among others, this trip. It is a cherished memory and one I hold close.
But this safety lies within me now. I can not and do not expect others to provide this safety. I do not expect it from you, my son. I hold close to me the memory of these weeks and will cherish them. I see, in you, the elder you are becoming. I see in you the wisdom that comes with deep suffering and the facing of life so unnecessary in one so young. However,this suffering has made you who you are, has given you a depth of feeling and understanding that allowed you to easily interact with my friends who are my age and who felt entirely comfortable with you. They also remarked about this level of comfort with you. It is as if a council of elders were meeting again in this lifetime, for the first time and although you are much younger than us, you blended easily.
But I want you to know, your responsibility for your life and your family, extends to your biological family. I never want you to feel any sense of this towards me. I have loved being with you and it will be a cherished memory I hold close. It has given me a sense of the joy I might have felt if I had allowed myself to marry and have children of my own. There is an amazing sense of connection and also a deep listening in a way I often do not do. As you have seen I am incredibly independent and protective of my freedom but I have allowed you to penetrate this armour in ways I have not done for years. I allowed it when I was younger and it generally ended in pain until I realised I needed to give myself love in order to give it to others.