To fit in or not to fit in:

Is that the question?

Someone asked me recently why I always felt I did not “fit in.” It has taken me many years to stand firm in my truth that I never fit in and to see it as a mark of courage, of pride in myself, and who I have become.

I remember as a child a teacher remarked to me, “I should have known you would do something different.” It was fifth grade and our task was to paste little cut out pieces of states onto a map of the United States. Because I wanted to see what was under it, I pasted each state on the edge so I could lift the outline of the state and read underneath. Somehow that old memory, now 69 years ago, became a symbol of independence. I kept that map for many years and looked at it whenever a teacher made fun of me. And that happened often. 

There were two ways I was made fun of – one was for my intelligence and one for my size. My size became a protection. For many years I remained “larger than the average bear” in order to protect myself emotionally. My brother once told me, “You are 18 now and soon you will be 21. If you don’t do something about yourself, no man will ever want you.” My mother used to like to say, “You are so fat, no man will ever want you.” It is rather interesting that I later gained considerably more weight than when she made those remarks, and then I lost weight again, as I often go through these cycles. My mother’s later reaction was to tell me I had become too thin. I remember looking at her and remarking I was the same exact weight as when she told me how fat I was. It took me many years to realize her issues with me were a projection of who she was, and they had nothing to do with me. 

It was the same for the teachers who made fun of my last name. It was originally Badwey. I became tired of the bad jokes and changed it more than 40 years ago. I simply switched my first two names, Carol and Ann, and made it Anna Karola, adding Marguerite as a middle name. I remember how proud I felt when one of my nephews said how much he liked the name. It was literally the first time someone had complimented me on my name.

So my name made me different, when I was young, as did my size. The funny thing about my size is that I thought of myself as HUGE, and when I look at pictures of my younger self, my weight looked normal, which it was. I weighed 145 lbs and was 5’7’ when my mother first began to make my weight a consistent topic of conversation. It became a consistent topic for my siblings and the entire family, when we were together. NOPE, never fit in with the rest of the family. And I remember the Christmas I won the highest blood pressure contest. That provided great arguments and lectures for months, and I swore to swear off family gatherings for holidays – and I did, for many years.

My intelligence was a problem as well, as I was always told I was “too smart for my own good,” although I’m still not sure what this meant. Perhaps it was that I always had an uncanny and disturbing way of seeing through people. I remember my sister remarking on how I could look through people as if I did not see them. This particularly happened when people offered “to pray for me” and “to save my soul.” My response then, and now, is, “Please don’t.” God and I straightened out our difficulties. God is the only one who never found fault with me and who never judged me and found me lacking. I have noticed this trait in God regardless of how God is defined or from what set of beliefs God is approached. The Source, or however you prefer to define it or not, is consistently and unconditionally Love. I never needed to be saved, as the Source found me perfect just the way I was. 

It’s interesting to me how the Source of all never had problems with me, but people sure did. I even remember my mother approaching a friend to ask “what was wrong” with me and what she should do. My friend had to reassure her I would be all right – so embarrassed when I found out what she had done. Luckily it was then and not today, as I would probably have a label, such as autism, attached to me.

Nope, never found a niche where I fit in. A major portion of my inability to fit in was my own innate, inborn ability to be a disruptor wherever I went. I have been referred to as a “ball buster,” an “agent of change,” and I had one reference that said, “If you want your organization to change, then hire this person because wherever she goes, change happens.” As I consider this statement, I realize how accurate it is. I have never remained steady in one place and I do not remain long. The longest overseas assignment was Kuwait, and I was the assistant to the director. I have been in many work situations, and in each one there was major change around me. Usually the change is necessary, but in the process it is necessary for me to move on. 

I take pride in not fitting in. I take pride in being a unique piece causing disruption and re-evaluation around me. I take pride in being who I am and loving who I have become. Perhaps pride is the wrong word and the word is Love. I love who I am, and no, I never fit in, I never will, and I never want to – I have been this way all my life, and now it is with the awareness of my positive value to the evolutionary changes of which I am a part. 

My changes encourage and provide others the courage to change. I am changing how I see myself as an elder, as a woman, and as an elderly woman. It is an exciting time of potential and growth, and I look forward to sharing this journey with all of you.