What's In A Name????

What's In a Name

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." — childhood rhyme, author unknown

I remember saying those words and having those words said to me. Today, my name is Anna Marguerite Karola, but it wasn't always. Once upon a time, it was Carol Ann Badwey. 

When my father came through Ellis Island, his last name "Budawei" was shortened to make it easier for Americans to say, so he was called Badwey. His name was Saleem Ibrahim Budawei, which became Samuel Abraham Badwey. I always liked his name and my mother's, too: Juliette Muntaha Deeb. Deeb, in Arabic, means "wolf," and I always thought Wolf was a great name. Her middle name means "That's enough." She was the seventh girl in the family with only one son. So her father named her "That's enough."

When it came to naming me, it was the end of WWII and the bombs had been dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Everyone was celebrating the finale of the "war to end all wars." My father owned a small bar that was packed with celebrators when he received the news that I was born. The men celebrated and decided to name me "Carol Ann" after a movie star, Carol Ann Lombard. Growing up, I was called "Khoura Ann," meaning "sweet little donkey." My grandmother in Lebanon could not pronounce my name, and she thought they had called me "sweet little donkey." I remember screaming, "That is not my name! I am not a sweet little donkey!"

As for my last name "Badwey," there were no end of jokes like, "What a Badwey to start the school year." This one had unending variations. "You in a bad wey." "Guess you're not in a 'good way.' " For the most part, the jokes were unendurable. In the mid '80's, some 40 years ago, I decided to change my name. I took my first and middle names and switched them, making Anna Karola and adopted my friend's mother's name, "Marguerite." I loved the lyrical sound. For the first time in my life, I learned what it meant to have a name I enjoyed hearing.

People are often unaware of how a name can affect a child. I cringed every time I heard my name. It was usually followed by invectives in Arabic or, in the case of teachers, usually a remark about how much better a student my brother was than I could ever be. Names are important. Names bring meaning into a child's life. If it is a name that is associated with a close friend or a loved family member, it will bring a smile of loved remembrance when the name is used. If it is a name, such as Beautiful Morning, it can bring a wonderful memory of when the child was born. Sometimes children are given names that help shape their future. When I lived in Africa and the Middle East, the naming ceremony was a time of great celebration. Family and friends gathered together to all participate in the naming.

To me, my name became symbolic of how I perceived my family felt about me. This, coupled with the nicknames I was given, none of which I could stand, shaped my self image for many years. We forget just how much children form their image from how we reflect back to them. It is important to teach children the importance of self-talk. When children hear terms like "stupid," "worthless," and other invectives, this is how they view themselves. Stop and think about a time when you were called a name. How did it feel? How does it feel even now?

Contrast this with the feeling you experienced when you were praised. How amazing it felt to be told how loved you are, no matter what. Words carry with them other messages underneath: "Yes, grades are important, and we will work through the problems together. We work through them together through love." Words have intense power. While words have the power to harm, even more importantly, they can heal. This belief is not a stretch. When we speak, our words are filled with the vibration of sound.

Dr. Masaru Emoto researched the effect of sound on water crystals. He subjected water to various types of music, words of hate, as well as words of love. The water formed crystals that reflected back the emotions they received. The crystals that were given loving words and an ongoing positive environment created beautiful patterns of crystals. Water receiving words of hate and harshness revealed the opposite in their crystal formation. Given that each human being is primarily water, it is now understood how a family environment will affect the emotional growth and development of a child. When this experiment was proposed, it was considered nonsense; after seeing the results, we have a much deeper understanding.

The implications of the water crystal work reveal how essential it is to create a warm, accepting environment within the home. It does not mean people never fight, but basic rules of treating each other with love and respect are held consistently. Disagreements are welcomed as a way to encourage self-growth and understanding between family members. Communication starts before the child is born and it continues constantly. Children are encouraged to verbalise and listen. Each person experiences being listened to until they feel heard. When we feel heard, we do not need to escalate our behaviour in order to gain attention. We do not need to "gain" attention because attention is always given. Like Love, attention is a birthright that is vital to the emotional and intellectual development of the child.